Immigrant emotions (How I feel about moving)

1. Hope

I hear myself saying this word about a thousand times a day. I hope I can cope in Norway. I hope I make friends. I hope it isn't too cold for me. I hope the little boy enjoys it. I hope we don't miss family too much. I hope to grow some vegetables. I hope I integrate in society and don't remain a weird outsider immigrant my whole life. I hope I speak Norwegian well. I hope to write. I hope.

2. Fear

Within that hope, are the words of fear. The fear of never fitting in, of being different, of missing home. The fear of change, of the unknown, of having to make my own fire in a more or less wooden house. The fear of loneliness, of friends being far away, of moving away from family. The fear of no longer being employed, of being dependent ( on my wonderful husband..but still).

3. Eager

I feel a sense of ability to accomplish things I never had the time to do. I feel eager to take on a new language, eager to make friends. Most of all eager to find myself. To make my dreams come true. Eager at a chance for change and rebirth. Eager to finally put the worries of the world aside and concentrate on my passions ( because what else can I do, when trapped in the in between spaces).

4. Self-doubt

I question myself on a daily basis. Am I good enough? Good enough to be me? Am I mad? Mad for dreaming, for pursuing my passions when debt and bills linger in the background. Mad for wanting to quit the rat race, for wanting to slow down. Mad for calling myself a writer, because what else can I call myself now? When all the other identifiers are changing?

5. Excitement

How can a move spanning continents not be exciting? Wheeeeee!

6. Sense of belonging

Finding strange kinships with old friends, acquaintances or total strangers. There is a community of experience out there. Others going through the same emotions and changes. Others who have had a life changing event in the same way; a change of employment, a birth, a relocation. Suddenly I am part of a larger network or people. It's actually quite a good feeling!

7. Finding a new identity

In the last 6 months I had lost myself. Had started losing the idea of myself. Who was I really? What did I want to do with my life? I asked myself a brutal question: what would my priorities be if I knew I had only 10 more years to live? I realized I had forgotten to live my life in the midst of everything. I had passion for my career, but why was my job satisfaction thinning? Is there a greater calling that I had to pursue? What's my name?.. Luckily I knew the answer to the last one.

8. Thrifty

Going from a dual income to a single income is never easy. With such a big move and so many changes, financial future may be uncertain for many going through this process. Suddenly I feel a need to be careful about spending. I have never been terribly extravagant, but my concept of money has been about having enough not to worry. Now there is an awareness of avoiding waste. Of needing to put aside more for the unknown. In a state of madness I told my husband that I only need two pairs of shoes.

9. Creative

Leaving the known for the only somewhat known is liberating. I feel my creative process has been freed. Leaving conventional employment has got my mind on high gear throwing up crazy ideas all the time. My imagination is running wild again. In some ways I feel younger, like a child again where
 all possibilities are real ones.

10. Happiness

Happy to be moving to be with my love. To spend time with my son. To start a new life. Happy at the thought of a small garden. With this happiness comes a great deal of thankfulness. I'm certainly thankful for this change.